The other day I was talking to a friend of mine- a far more respected and successful MMA writer than myself (which is to say that she can type words like “restaurant”, “concise” and even “successful” without the use of spell check)- when we briefly spoke of our thoughts on the sport.
I have my own issues with the turn that MMA has taken in the mainstream. I’m not a fan of how fighters are trying to rise above. GSP, Rashad, Andrei…in suits? On the cover of GQ? Are you f***ing kidding me?
Part of the great joy that is this sport is going to watch two hungry fighters step in there ready and willing to beat the living s*** out of each other. Two guys (or girls…frankly I love watching the fairer sex fight, they fight like caged animals and I dig that s***!) that work full time jobs, maybe have families at home, that train their a**es off in the ring and on the mat to get to the next level.
Or even just one guy like that and one total soup can that had a bunch of friends convince them that they are good enough to get in the cage only to get the holy living f*** beaten out of them in under two minutes.
Give me local shows. Give me ring girls that actual act like they want to be there (sadly few and far between…and you thought I could get through an article without mentioning Amy Krog. As if.). Give me a PBR tallboy or six. Them’s good times!
Thinking that MMA is shiny and flowery is like watching Disney versions of Alice in Wonderland or Cinderella. Let me save you some time: that s*** is f***ed up! Alice is a total Ken Kesey-esque acid trip and the wicked step sisters have their eyes plucked out by owls after trying to cut their feet to fit the glass slipper.
No, seriously. That stuff is messed up.
I’m a simple man. The other day a guy complimented me by saying my writing was pragmatic. Well, I took it as a compliment because I thought he said priapismic… (prahy-uh-piz-mick, noun: pathology. continuous, usually nonsexual erection of the penis).
Which is a compliment given that I’ve had a pretty bad case of whiskey d*** since 2003.
Then I looked up pragmatic and I realized that I could have summed up all that I just wrote by saying I am pragmatic (prag-mat-ik, adjective: of or pertaining to a practical point of view or practical considerations).
You know what, I should apologize, I just typed all that s*** because I needed to kill time until the fights started…so, yeah…
Here we go. All nine fights tonight are pro fights! Knees, elbows and I’m maybe even some tears. Good stuff. Good stuff.
I want to note that I don’t appreciate announcer using the moniker “Amy The Other Ring Girl” come on…respect. And whoever that douchebag was that took the extra seat next to the ring girls, someone should make that guy look or sound stupid (even if he can do that himself).
Nick Ammerman (1-0) vs Jesse Coca (1-1)
Round 1) Coca goes for a spinning back kick and a flying knee early. Ammerman pulls him out of the air and slams him with authority, but Coca works back to his feet. Coca continues to work the jabs and the front kick. Ammerman gets his head snapped back and cut under the eye. Coca’s hands are down as he struts superior hands.
A crisp uppercut lands from Coca and Ammerman shoots in for the takedown and avoids the guillotine. Coca gets his legs circled and looks for the triangle or armbar, but Ammerman stacks him against the cage, where the round ends.
Round 2) Ammerman finds a little more success with his striking and makes Coca pay for another spinning back kick attempt with a takedown. Coca is on his back as Ammerman looks to drop a huge bomb, that he very nearly gets.
Coca gets back to his feet, but looks less confident. Coca lands a strong hook and spits a little blood from an Ammerman uppercut. The round ends on its feet. This fight is two rounds for Ammerman.
Round 3) The two are pawing at each other. That’s about it. Ammerman is respecting Coca’s jab and Coca is respecting Ammerman’s takedown. The two are trying to size each other up, but landing little in the way of striking. Another spinning back kick from Coca. The fight ends with both men trying to range each other. Sadly, the crowd is more animated than the fighters.
Winner: Nick Ammerman via unanimous decision (29-28 on all cards)
Roland Larson (2-3) vs Patrick Delgado (0-0)
Round 1) Delgado is the aggressor and takes the fight to the ground quickly. Larson turns for the heel hook and Delgado steps out of it. Larson tries to stand, but Delgado swarms and Larson is forced to keep a hand down for three points of contact (so Delgado can’t knee him in the head). Delgado is forcing the pace hard.
Whoa! Did Delgado just land a knee with Larson’s hand on the ground? If he did, the ref didn’t see it. Delgado is relentless. He is raining down elbows with authority and Larson is forced to tap out.
Winner: Patrick Delgado via submission due to strike at 1:38 of the 1st round.
Nate Hoffman (2-3) vs. Chase Waldon (2-1)
Round 1) Hoffman lands a couple of punches but has a weird “what does my hand smell like” stance. Holy s***! There’s a huge flurry from Waldon and Hoffman looks in trouble, but no knees. Why no knees? Oh, there’s a knee finally. Wow, Hoffman survives.
Hoffman turtles and Waldon lands several un-warned hammer fists to the back of the head. Hoffman survives. Waldon goes for an arm triangle, Hoffman survives. Seeing a trend yet? Waldon lands a cracking uppercut through Hoffman’s turtle, but…you guessed it: Hoffman survives the round.
Round 2) Hoffman looks tired, but avoids a shot and looks to lock up an anaconda choke. It is loose and he is wasting a lot of energy trying to get it to work. He tries to switch to a guillotine, but this time it is Waldon who survives. Waldon is on his back and…BOOM! Armbar! The fight is over!
Winner: Chase Waldon at 2:48 of the 2nd Round Via Armbar
Derek Smith (8-5) vs. Jesse Midas (5-2)
Round 1) This should be…fights over.
Winner: Jesse Midas via KO at :11 of the 1st Round.
Smith is pissed, he just climbed the cage and left. Note for all those pissed, yes it was fast, yes it sucked, but it was a flash knockout. Smith’s body went stiff on impact and when he hit the mat he woke up. It looks really s***y, I know, but his brain touched the back of his skull. Regardless of how he feels, the ref made
the right call.
Derek just did he classy thing and came back in the cage to shake Midas’ hand. Man, that really sucks. And it is reason #526 why I will never fight MMA. It’s hard enough for me to get out of bed in the morning without having to worry about flash KO’s.
Erik Vo (5-6) vs. Zach Wolff (18-8)
Round 1) Wolff is sportin’ some cute little dreds as this fight starts in a blur of movement and strikes from both fighters. Both Vo and Wolff are working combinations and varying up their strikes before Wolff snags a double and avoids the guillotine into half guard. Wolff passes to side then to mount without hesitating. Vo rolls to his knees to avoid and Wolff transitions to a PRISTINE triangle! Vo rolls to avoid, but Wolff follows him to mount. This fight is over!
Winner: Zach Wolff via submission (triangle) at 2:30 of the 1st Round
Matthew Pazanin (6-0) vs. Cully Butterfield (7-1)
Round 1) Butterfield shoots, Pazanin sprawls. Butterfield is in top half guard…or is it Pazanin? I don’t know, man, it didn’t take me too long to get bored with this one. My buzz must be wearing off. Nothing personal guys, it’s actually some really good grappling, just grinding to comment about it. So, here’s a hot chick doing the cinnamon challenge:
Round 2) Butterfield is controlling the fight. Pazanin looks like a bloody mess. Man, I should have been paying attention last round. Butterfield works to mount and Pazanin turns away. Pazanin gets flattened onto his jiggle belly (…jiggle belly?) and Butterfield continues to grind… still bored. Here’s the Star Wars kid:
I want to give that kid a hug.
Round 3) Pazanin get dropped fast, Butterfield s in top half guard again. Butterfield in top half guard again…you know what, I’m sorry, but I know where this is going. So I’m going to get another tallboy. I’ll wait to hear the announcement from the bar.
Winner: Cully Butterfield by unanimous decision.
Yeah! Intermission! Whiskey!
Wait…wait…did I just miss a ring girl dance contest between Amy Krog and Lidia Chesnokova (by the way, two AWESOME names)?!?! What the f***?! Damn you PBR and your siren’s call into my soul!
BJ Lacy (17-17) vs. Isaiah Larson (16-6)
Round 1) Larson nearly gets Lacy’s back early, but Lacy keeps his base and Larson unintentionally drags Lacy on top of him. Larson works for a heel hook, but Lacy walks out of it and Larson stands. Larson lands a leaping hook and tries for another takedown, but Lacy avoids again.
Finally, Larson gets Lacy to the ground and works from top half guard. Larson gets cross side and straight to mount. The round ends to Larson in top cross side.
Round 2) Lacy looks fresh but Larson wobbles him early with a hook and takes him down. Larson works from top cross side with short punches. Lacy gets back to closed guard and is able to finally sweep Larson, taking top half guard. Larson gets back into Lacy’s guard. Lacy passes and lands a few knees to the body from top half.
Larson’s body is shaking like…well, if you don’t know who by now, you haven’t been reading my articles enough ;). Lacy has turned this fight around.
Round 3) The Viking slips and looks heavy on his feet as Lacy works his muay thai. Larson looks as though he is waiting for that one big shot. I’ll tell you this much, Larson can take a punch.
This crowd is going crazy. Literally. The cops escorted one guy away from the cage and had to break up a confrontation…between two women. Damn.
Larson shoots for a desperate takedown and gets it. He’s holding on and looking to grind out the win on this one. As the round end, Lacy pounds the ground. He looks pissed, like a man that just let the fight slip away. This one goes to the judges.
Winner: BJ Lacy via split decision (29-28, 29-28, 28-29)
Lacy thanks God. And rightly so, because God does all the training, sweating, bleeding and frankly, he hates the other guy.
Ryan Burwick (8-2) vs. Rich Taylor (10-2)
Round 1) Taylor gets an early double and Burwick won’t let go of the headlock from bottom cross side. The two stand. Burwick looks calm and throws a flurry. Taylor drives Burwick into the cage and the two jockey for position. The two trade hooks and Taylor shoots for the single, narrowly avoiding the guillotine. Taylor stands and the round ends with him looming over Burwick.
Round 2) A flurry from Taylor and inside leg kick catches Burwick in the junk. Burwick doesn’t take much time and the two are trading flurries again. Taylor again with a brilliant level change and shoot. Taylor is cut and bleeding from the brow, but gets another takedown not long after the two stand again. He works cross sides.
The refs stands them and Taylor keeps working short hooks. He goes for a fireman’s carry, misses and catches a kick, taking the fight back to the mat. Burwick keeps the action tight in half guard as the round ends.
Round 3) Both men have lost a step, but Taylor still gets a takedown against the cage. Burwick goes for a short guillotine and upkick as Taylor stands, but Taylor keeps pressing the action. Burwick works z-guard and Taylor looks to finish the fight with hammer fists. Burwick avoids and Taylor throws a lot, including a rolling heel kick. Nothing really lands and this fight is going to the judges.
Winner: Rich Taylor via unanimous decision (all judges 30-27)
Okay, you guys have to see this. This is unsolicited. Un-doctored. I think I need to change my shorts…I mean… I totally have this kind of thing happen to me all the time. What? I’m totally cool…shut up. This is my time. You can’t take it from me. I’m getting this framed:
Josh Rave (19-6) vs. Tony Belvedere (14-5)
Round 1) Feisty, thank you ring girl Lidia, that’s the perfect adjective for these two fighters. They both have moments of nice combinations, but also moments of telegraphing their strikes. That’s about it for all five minutes. Good luck scoring that round.
Round 2) Rave is in top mount before I can say 1,2,3 sober. Belvedere is able to work all the way to guard. Rave stays active in top guard and Belvedere’s face is showing the brunt of it. Rave gets to cross side and lands a vicious knee from top cross side and moves smoothly to mount and transitions to a slick as s*** arm triangle before anyone knows what happened. Least of all Belvedere, who is out cold within moments. An absolutely beautiful finish for the Omaha native!
Winner: Josh Rave via arm triangle at 2:43 of the 2nd Round
That’s it. I’m going to bed. With blue b***s.