Comp Review: NAGA- Beirut…I mean Chicago…

Yes, that is barbed wire outside of the venue for NAGA Chicago on August 18th, 2012. Perhaps it is an unfair angle. Here’s another:
Initially, my group drove right past the venue, it was just sheer chance that we even noticed it as we tried our best to translate the surrounding signs using long since used high school Spanish lessons.
Even more fortunate was the fact that we didn’t have to fight off the basketball team from Hoosiers to use the basketball floor space as our competition area.
Man, sure beats those stadiums that the IBJJF use for competitions, huh?
Maybe the original location was better, but then “due to factors beyond their control” the event was moved to Cicero…yes, Cicero. Been there? No?! You are missing out!
With a recorded livability index of 31 out of 100 it is perfect for those of you who always wondered what you get when you mixed the Spanish Midtown areas of Minneapolis with North Minneapolis.
Nice. I’m looking for a timeshare there.
And when I think of locations to have people from several different states come and compete in, I’m hard pressed to think of any place better.
Sense the tone.
When you are outside after registering and one of the event staff walks out saying “what a s***hole” you know the place is good!
And then he wouldn’t tell me what caused the venue change. C*** tease. I mean, really. What happened? Someone getting bullied around?
So, due to space constraints ten of the twelve rings were located on the upstairs basketball courts and two were in a side room I can only assume is used for Sunday School classes or AA meetings on the weekends. 
The one bathroom part was nice too.
Here’s my real issue with the comp: IT WAS A GOOD COMP!
Good refs, good teams, it was paced pretty smoothly as far as past NAGA’s are concerned, yet through all this we were rolling in a dump.
Are you going to tell me that the $100 registration fee to do both gi and no gi (it was $80 if you just did one) was warranted for that kind of a venue?
Loosen up the purse strings or think long and hard about that stuff. Because that is the sort of thing that makes me willing to do IBJJF next year. I’ll deal with the potential bad advantage call if it means that I don’t need to wonder how much I’m being held over a barrel just to make a profit.
Oh, and the capper, that is really just my luck more than anything else? We were the last match of the day and the last car left in the lot. 
A little birdy tells me that Minneapolis is rumored for an event next year. Is there some kind of a petition that I can sign to make sure we aren’t rolling in North?

Cryosauna: A Sports Revolution (Part 2)

Therapy of Champions
Alright, no excuses for not knowing how to get here: 
74 South 9th Street, Downtown Minneapolis, 55402 (the building next to Hell’s Kitchen and The Melting Pot)
What? You need more? Like you need me to physically walk the route from the parking garage to the f***ing front door?
But don’t blame me if my camera sucks and I get distracted by a liquor store along the way. I mean, really! Who puts a liquor store right across from a medical building?
Sorry about the little break in the video. What you didn’t see what the surly World War 2 vet asking, “What the f*** are you doing?” To which I stammered and shut off the camera until he got off at the 4th floor.
So my journey continues…
So, with the original paperwork and how-do-you-dos out of the way, it was straight into the chamber. Fortunately, this time I did actually remember to wear underwear, otherwise I would have had to wear a sock again. 
This sock (no, it isn’t shared), in fact:
Shut up. Just shut up. 
You try to fit a beer can into one of those things.
Three minutes later (which could be the dissolve for most things in my life) I was done. The blasts of cold air, while not the most enjoyable things in the world, were now expected and actually appreciated. 
Again, I felt great. As with last time, the owner Branden Johnson warned me that I might be really hungry due to the sudden shock and surge to my cardiovascular system. Last time I gorged at a barbecue, this time perhaps down at the lunch buffet at Deja Vu.
Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
It is on my way out that I stop and talk with Chris Mosier; neurological fitness trainer and founder of The Mosier Method.
What is the Mosier Method? Well, I signed an agreement that said something about giving up my first born son, or maybe it was a nondisclosure agreement, I never really read them, so I can’t get into specifics at the moment.
What I can tell you is that using direct stimulation he increased the flexibility in my back about 25%. 
Which to you means nothing, so try this. Stand with both of your feet together and rotate yourself as far to each side as you can. I can turn myself to about a 45 degree angle (it means I can look directly right or left only rotating my core).
After just moments of using one small aspect of the Mosier Method I could rotate until I way almost complete looking behind myself. Like an owl turning it’s head.
I’ve never been able to turn that far. Even after half a bottle a jag and a drunken proposition.
And while the effects might only last for one to eight hours, think about the implications.
Increasing muscle malleability and flexibility immediately before an intense training session (or entire day) means reducing the chance of injury and increasing your body’s capacity.
In terms I can understand: you can train without f***ing yourself up!
We continued with direct muscle stimulation to my arms and legs resulting in one of the most intense training experiences I have had in a long time and I never lifted a weight or even stood up.
Do you know what that means? That a lazy f*** like me with joints that are utter s*** can actually train again without having to worry about a laundry list of horse s*** joints.
On top of it, using neurological training Chris can look at the cause of the injuries to pinpoint how to heal and stop future injuries from happening.
Are any of you following this? This s*** is next level…well, s***!
Couple this with the rejuvenatory effects of the cryosauna and all of the sudden you have guys that don’t need to f*** around with TRT and other banned substances. They can train like they always wanted to and not have to worry about sour piss!
It means that the old MMA axiom of “no fighter is ever 100% for a fight” will be a thing of the past! You can train like you got a pair again!
Yup, I need more of this.
My side is feeling great. I am dealing with levels of training that dumb f***s like me never get a chance to experience. I’ll be back on Wednesday for another round in the Cryosauna before hitting the mats again Thursday to see if it has really done all that I think it has.
Stay tuned for a post of Friday for my final say on how well Cryosauna actually works.
Now, to matters left unsettled across the street…

Any gyms interested can sign up for 40 sessions of whole body Cryotherapy for $1760 dollars. That’s only 44 dollars per session! That’s $800 off!
The gym just has to pay in advance and setup who they would like to use the sessions. Its a blue moon special! So you must order before 8/31/12!

Call Now 612-787-2796

Cryosauna: A Sports Revolution? (Part 1)

Therapy of Champions 

If you are like me, and I hope you aren’t (Hazeltine doesn’t have enough rooms), when you first heard the word Cryosauna you thought of this:

Or (more likely):
It’s probably for the best of all involved that it is actually just as simple as this:
Sorry, the girl isn’t included in the deal. Though given the temperatures and the sock (more on that later), it’s probably for the best.
So, what brings a person of as ill-repute as myself to an establishment that provides what seems to be all the buzz in terms of recovery or injury management?
Perhaps it would surprise you to hear that I’m not in the absolute peak physical condition…no, I’m not fat, why would you say that. You’re a d***. I mean that I have injuries. More than a few that I have acquired and held onto over the years.
It was recommended to me by a friend on Facebook- yes, FB is good for something other than spouting political/religious ideologies, bragging about how far you just ran or that you want an ice cream sundae- so, as I do with far too many FB friends that I have never met, I took his advice.
Cryosauna Minneapolis is located in the Medical Building Downtown (park in the same place as Hell’s Kitchen, perhaps go after for some cheap beer and the biggest hipster per capita outside of Uptown) on the 6th floor- suite 621.
In this small, unassuming office was the tool of what at least part of me thought would freeze me only to be thawed some point in the future. Not all that unlike Cartman trying to freeze himself and wake up after the Nintendo Wii was released (I watch too much TV).
There I was introduced to the owner of Cryosauna Minneapolis, Branden Johnson. A nice enough looking guy with a Gopher’s sweatshirt. He seemed very unlikely to freeze me and harvest my organs. Though, if he did, the joke would be on him.
A quick insight into the glory of my body:
Age: 30ish
Height: About average
Weight: 10 pounds heavier than what I tell people
1) Persistent Rotator Cuff pain (had to stop muay thai from it)
2) Lower back injury two years ago rolling
3) Right knee dislocated by hockey stick in college (never healed right)
4) Left knee dislocated by my own poor form on a judo thrown (in BJJ practice of all places)
5) Multiple concussions (obviously)
6) Liver, what’s left of it, has been pickled.
7) strained oblique (three weeks ago, re-injured twice since then)
I didn’t have high hopes going in. I mean, really, what could a blast of cold air do that time off, bottles of glucosamin and aspirin couldn’t do?
It can make it better, that’s what.
After being informed that my not having dry underwear (I came from training and only had slightly moist compression shorts) could create frostbite issues, I was given three socks. Two for my feet (the feet have no fat and are more affected by the cold.
And one for The Octagon.
It was the ONLY time in my life that I have ever felt like Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
At this point, stepping into the cryosauna created a greater concern about the sock falling off than anything else. It’s not much, but I’ve grown attached. Though, if you’re some rich boy and you have your own clean, dry underwear, you won’t need the sock.
For those of you that think a cryosauna is just about getting blasted with really f***ing cold air…you’re pretty much right. That’s a loooong 2 1/2 minutes.

What are the potential benefits to all this? Too numerous for my ADD to list. So go to the website HERE.

After stepping out of the deep freeze, not all that unlike Han being encased in Carbonite…

Sorry, last one, I swear.

I wasn’t thinking about any pain at all, but there had to be more to it than that. I can hit myself with a hammer to forget the pain too, but I would rather not pay for it a few times a week.

After sitting down with Branden and talking about the process, the results and his goal for the company (which I will get to another time) I have to say that I was suddenly struck by it all.
Now, I only get excited about three things:
1) Open bar at a wedding
2) the underwear section of the Sears Catalog
3) shiny things
However, on occasion, something comes around that even my concussion fogged mind can wrap around. Something, that if it lives up to even half of its potential, could very well mean a revolution in not only MMA, but all of professional sports.
Combining the recuperative effects of the cryosauna with the training techniques of the Moiser Method (go HERE because I’m not explaining that right now) could mean a new level of athleticism that few outside of GSP have ever known.
And what better way to find out of the potential than to Guinea Pig myself. I really don’t have that much more on my plate.
It was on the drive home that I noticed it: my side didn’t hurt for the first time in three weeks. I twisted and turned, even sneezed (which normally causes a LOT of pain) and nothing. I went home and did some pullups (yes, I can do pullups), only the slightest feeling there to remember what I had done to myself.
The best metaphor I can think of, sadly, is that of a minute old fart. You know that there is still something wrong in the air, but you don’t care and don’t think about it. I know my oblique is still on the mend, but for the life of me, I don’t care and I finally get to not think about it.
I’m nothing short of amazed. I really can’t believe that in 2 1/2 minutes an injury that kept me off the mats was dulled to near-nonexistence.
I want more. I need more. I’m going down the rabbit hole. And trust me, this could be HUGE…
That’s what she said!
Stay tuned for Part 2 in the next few days!

Downtown Showdown 9 (08/18/2012) Results

This is my first ever write up from Chicago. Just spent the day rolling at an incredible sub-par level, now I’m doing Irish Carbombs and drinking until the mountains turn silver again.

I could get into the actual comp that I just participated in in the demilitarized zone, but I will save that for a later article. Instead I am starting a bit drunker than I usually start. So this might get surly.

Also, at some point I need to switch rooms (don’t ask, they say it is hotel policy).

First off, stop saying testicles. Yes, we heard everything on the live feed. All 200 times you said “test, test, testicles”. Stop it.

Though, I do appreciate all the F’n on the live broadcast.

Okay, enough. Sorry I don’t have more rambling prose this time, but I am in a little pain (pain that gets better with every sip) and let’s just f***ing get to it.

Oh, and I don’t have a list of fights and I can’t hear s*** on the feed so I’m just going to use first names for the most part.

Some Guy Name Clay vs. Some Guy Name Alphonse (or something)

Round 1: The Clay guy gets a little wild with a flurry and gets the takedown, he progresses his position and gets the baseball choke.

No guarantees the rest of this is going to be any better from a “press” point of view.

Winner: That Clay Guy at 2:13 of the 1st Round by Baseball Choke

Mike Waverick vs. C.T. Bailey

Round 1: Waverick pushes the action early and a flurry attempt gets him tossed like a ragdoll to the ground. He recovers guard, but C.T. works towards the back and sinks in a RNC without hooks. It’s too deep. Fights over.

Winner: C.T. Bailey at 2:21 of the 1st Round by Rear Naked Choke

Sweet! Got a lineup from my insider, but I’m not going to correct my mistakes, I always look forward to the next beer, I don’t get sad over my empties.

Angel Pachelo (1-1) vs. Steven Moore (0-0)

Round 1: Moore gets the head/arm takedown, but Pachelo works back to his feet. The two exchange some blows. Pachelo holds the fence and stays close to Moore. WHOA! Pachelo put Moore to sleep with a huge right cross!

Winner: Angel Pachelo at 1:24 of the 1st Round via KO

Adam Martin (1-0) vs. Sean Richman (0-0)

 Round 1: Is the tall dude Martin? I wasn’t paying attention. Crap, the Frosty Mountains taste good. Okay, the two trade some shots, some attempts at flurries. Richman ties up, gets the bodylock, takes the action to the ground. Richman takes his back, sinks in the choke and Martin is OUT!

No, you douches, he isn’t actually seizing, well, he kind of is, but he’s just waking up. He’ll be fine. Pissed, but fine.

Winner: Sean Richman at :46 of the 1st Round by RNC.

Starr Roberts (3-14) vs. Codie Kahler (0-0)

 Round 1: Sorry, I took a car bomb so I kind of got distracted for a moment. So, Codie went for what looks like a pretty good guillotine, but Starr avoided. Then he went for an armbar and it was kind of shallow…hey, that guy’s name is Starr. That’s kind of weird. Oh, the rounds over. Hey, there’s the new ring girl, Emily. She’s bouncy too. That’s cool.

Round 2:  i was jerking off, well, not really, i stood up for a cookie and this f***ing Pollack just took my spot and decided to say that I was masturbating when it is well documented that I’ve had whiskey d*** since 1999.

Crap and in the time that it took me to explain that and watch one of the guys do another car bomb I missed a lot of the fight. At some point, Starr took a shot to the junk. Then he stood up and landed a big overhand right. Kahler looks tired, but he is still controlling as the action goes back down to the mat. Damn, Codie is loading up knees to Roberts’ ribs as he turtles up. Codie is trying to pound out the win, but the ref isn’t stopping the fight. Finally it is over.

The announcers are bitching. I don’t care. I want another cookie.

Winner: Codie Kahler at some point in the 2nd Round due to tapout from strikes

Just saw that we get Showtime for FREE in the hotel! Rousey vs. Kaufmann tonight! So there might be a point where I say f you all and start watching that. Please don’t take it personally. You get Amy fighting and that will get my attention too.

Zachary Keliso (1-5) vs. Pat Magdaleno (1-0)

Round 1: God d*** it! I missed it again! Magdeleno has the dude face down on the ground because I was trying to tell a guy why it is a bad idea to have a BJJ tournament in which everyone is wearing suits.

Keliso is trying to defend, but he is face down and looking like, well, me when I’m face down: f***ed. What the hell just happened, did Keliso just tap out? What the hell was that? He tapped out to a body lock?!

Winner: Pat Magdelano in the 1st Round via body lock

Okay, I don’t know if things are gong on right now. We lost the feed. Well, that’s okay, at the moment I was explaining to the guys in the room that standards are overrated. If you are partying or at the bar and you see a lot of 9s and 10s…believe me, they aren’t interested. And that 6 with the cute face will rock your world. Do it! Be proud of it!

Stephen Watt (3-0) vs Taurean Bogguess (14-6)

Okay, Bogguess is missing. Bogus! …that was weak and I apologize. To make up for it I will drink and beer, swear and give a really bad play-by-play of the next fight while watching the Strikeforce fights on Showtime.

Zaur Jalil (3-1) vs. Randy Lene (6-2)

Round 1: Jalil wants a takedown and evvvvvventually gets it. I’m gonna paraphrase: Jalil controls the top for the entire round.

Round 2: Another judo thrown to scarf hold for Jalil (go figure), but Lene isn’t going to make it easy and hook the arm to avoid any sub attempts. Jesus, these rounds go face for Ammys.

Round 3: A lot of pawing, the fight to the ground briefly up, Lene drags it back down looking for the guillotine but Jalil avoids and works to look for mount ending in top half. It looks like he is working a zeke choke. The action gets stood up, but not for long. Back to the ground with Jalil on top position as the round ends.

Round 4: Zalil wants it on the ground, but I don’t think this is what he had in mind! Lene gets in top quarter guard and he is throwing punches like his life depends on it! It pays off! This fight is over! Rande Lene is the new Ammy champ of some weight that I don’t give a s*** about!

Winner: Randy Lene at X of the 4th Round via TKO

Jimmy Zideck (6-5) vs. Nick Kirk (9-1)

Round 1: You know what, my bad guys. Totally missed this one. Here’s what happened: drunk dudes started talking. This is why I normally watch fights solo…actually, it’s the smell. But still we got to talking about stuff like Amy (it happens in ground of guys), BJJ, MMA, bbq potato chips, how to do a Plan-B sweep and strangely enough, Corwin Nichols. Weird. Anyway, Nick got the sub and I missed it.

For the love of s***! Who is fighting right now? I’m not even going to cover the fight because no one is telling me what is going on. Send complains to gof*** I’m in Chicago, the sound on this f***ing sucks and I’m not Kreskin…how many of you know who Kreskin is? About 5% of you… fine…

Wow, I’m the one who posted that and even I’m bored as f*** by that. Sorry. Tell you what, the next time I write an article I’ll make sure that there is sarcasm, a lot of attempts at humor and a lot of random Family Guy-esque pull aways. Not enough? How about some self-deprecating humor? Maybe some flashbacks to awkward high school moments.

Now, I know what you are saying, you are saying, “Mr. Choking? How is it possible that you didn’t enjoy ever moment of high school? With your defensive whit and veiled cynicism towards the cool kids you should have been at the cool table in the lunch room…”

Uh huh. That’s why I drink until I can’t feel feelings anymore. How about we get back to the fights so I can stop rambling. 

Oh for the love of God, why am I looking at a naked Polish ass? Chicago is getting a little weird. I miss home. 

Sweet jesus, that was the biggest Irish Car Bomb I’ve ever drank. 

Listen, I know none of you know what I’m talking about. And I’m sure that come tomorrow, I won’t know what the hell any of this means either. But sometimes you just need to buy the ticket and take the ride. I’m gonna get a Pulitzer for this s***.

Crap, now Jacare is fighting. I’m torn…holy s***! I know a lot of you didn’t just see that but Jacare just put the hammer down!!! Damn!!!! Okay, now back to the other fights…

Hmmm…now that I look back on my notes, I don’t actually kow at what point I stopped knowing what fight was going on. I’ve reeeeallly in the bag. I have no idea how long it will take me to get all of the spelling errors out of this one…who am I kidding, I have never once posted an article free of spelling errors. Why do I try. I’m just gonna wait for Hill/Moret.
Randy Kittelson (5-1) vs. Nick Compton (6-2)

I don’t know, I’m sorry. These guys could both kick my a**. Is that enough? I’m streaming a fight with horse s*** sound, I’m drunk, dudes are crying, it’s getting weird. Oh s***, my oblique is killing me, just starting coughing and almost threw up…just ask me in person to explain. It will make more sense
At least Amy just bounced by.

Damion Hill (10-1) vs. Dan Moret (16-0)

Round 1: First of all, who does these records? Just sayin’…anyway…this is the fight I’ve been waiting for.

Wait, wait. Are you people f***ing kidding me?! I just heard that Hill got food poisoning and the fight isnt’e happening! I paid $9.99 to get f***ing internet access at the f***ing hotel! If I had know that I would have paid more attention to the earlier fights! I am not happy. Grrr…

The take it in the tailpipe just about sums it up.

Alright, Seacrest out! I’m drunk. G’nite.

Upcoming Grappling Events for MN, WI and Beyond for 08/2012

Here’s what I got, let me know what I’m missing.

Also, it takes a really long time to actually type out the details. Just click the links and save me the effort.

08/18/2012: NAGA Illinois HERE

08/18/2012: IBJJF Chicago Open  HERE

08/25/2012: Midwest Grappling Challenge (Souix City, SD) HERE

09/08/2012: MatMania Grappling Tournament (Rosemonnt, MN) HERE

10/13/2012: St.Croix Valley Grappling Games (Hudson, WI) HERE

11/??/2012: MTT Submission Only Gi Tournament (Eagan, MN)   TBD

11/??/2012: Submission Hunt (Champlin, MN)  TBD

11/02/2012: NAGA Midwest Championships

UFC on Fox 4 Quick Results

Here are the quick results for the fourth installment of the UFC’s fights on FOX, starting with the undercard fights.

– John Moraga defeated Ulysses Gomez via knockout at 3:46 of the 1st Round

– Manny Gamburyan defeated Michihiro Omigawa via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)

– Philip De Fries defeated Oli Thompson via submission due to rear naked choke at 4:16 of the 2nd Round

-Josh Grispi defeated Rani Yahya via submission due to north/south choke at 3:15 of the 1st Round


– Nam Phan defeated Cole Miller via split decision (29-28, 28-29, 29-28)

– Mike Swick defeated Demarques Johnson via KO at 1:20 of the 2nd Round

– Joe Lauzon defeated Jaime Varner via submission due to triangle choke at 2:44 of the 3rd Round

– Lyoto Machida defeated Ryan Bader via KO at 1:32 of the 2nd Round

– Shogun Rua defeated Brandon Vera via TKO at 4:09 of the 4th Round

And Dana White announces that Lyoto Machida, with his performance over Ryan Bader, has earned the next title shot against the winner of Jon Jones/Dan Henderson.