Not gonna lie, right off the bat. This is gonna get weird; not only the fact that I am doing the cageside commentary for the fights, but also the fact that I have been drinking ALL DAY. So if you watched the fights on sterlingmn.com instead of live…I’m sorry in advance.
Though if you are reading this, it already happened. In which case, f*** you, it wasn’t that bad.
I’ve had a good day, want me to talk about it? It will save me from having to kill time doing small talk about fighters I know nothing about. I fear new knowledge.
So, I started the day on a tour of Target Field. Believe it or not, I’m a big baseball fan and a very big Twins fan (praying they don’t hit 100 losses this year), so the idea of taking a tour of such an awesome ball field was something I couldn’t pass up.
It was cool. I really paint a picture, huh?
First it was to Gulek’s for a pint of 312 and the pretzel sticks with mustard and beer cheese dip. Delicious.
Then to The Local for a pint of Miller Lite and the chicken bites. Not bad, but a little more fried than I would like.
Then to Rock Bottom Brewery for some microbrew I’ve never heard of and a massive plate of nachos. It was lovely.
Then to The Pourhouse where they are evidently giving away tickets to the fights I am announcing at. Am I narcissistic enough to tell them I am the commentator? Believe it or not no, I’m not. Still, I met a lovely trio of women.
Stephanie, from Chicago, who claims her family was enough like the mafia that she wanted to move to Minneapolis. I don’t know what that means, but she is polite and falling out of her top.
Kayla, from Becker, MN, that thought the DJ giving out tickets to the fights, coincidentally, was like Josh Dummel, the guy from the TV series Vegas, you know, the guy married to Fergie. Make note, he didn’t look like Josh Dummel, he just “was like” Josh Dummel. I don’t know what the f*** that means.
Then there was Roxie, a huge Notre Dame fan who bought a round of Rumplemintz. Good woman, that Roxie. Good woman.
Oh God, I need to announce after all this… Okay, get sum!!!
Then I started drinking. First to
Oh crap, here we go. I’m not drunk enough for this…but I will be soon…
Everything you see in bold and italics at this point is a “hangover hindsight”. To tell the truth, I barely remember anything past this point in the night.
Gary Isaacson (0-0) vs. John Melina (2-5)
My God, you know what, I’m still working on sobering up at least enough to be coherent on the mic. Deal with it. I’ll get more professional. Sort of. I think.
Round 1) Didn’t pay attention to the first round at all. This is too weird to talk about. It was pretty even the first round.
Round 2) Isaacson pounds out a TKO from top turtle, that’s about it. I’m coming down from my drunk and no one is appreciating the nuance of my announcing.
Winner: Gary Isaacson wins via submission due to strikes at about 3:00 of the 2nd Round.
Kinda s*** the bed on that one, huh?
Davonta Nunn (3-0) vs. Tom Lytle (2-1)
Lytle has a seven-inch height difference, but is going to look for the triangle. Call it a hunch.
Round 1) It looks sloppy. Lytle wants to bring the fight to the ground and Nunn isn’t having any of it. Nunn drops Lytle twice, but Lytle controls the last ten seconds and supposedly wins on two judges score cards.
Round 2) Both men come out tentative. Lytle’s hands are at his waist and just doesn’t
Winner: Davonta Nunn via KO at 1:38 of the 2nd Round
This one was a disappointment. Not in Nunn’s performance, but in Lytle’s. I like Tom, he’s a good guy, his heart just wasn’t in this one.
Jake Erickson (3-6) vs. Clarence Jordan (4-0)
What f***ing weight is this fight? Erickson is listed at 205 and Jordan at 170? Does the Minnesota State Boxing Commission allow a plus or minus 20 pound gap at weigh in? Or is it one guy used to be a fatty? Or one skinny guy Is turning into a fatty?
Round 1, 2, 3) Jordan dominates with his own wrestling, but Erickson is a gamer and continues to force the action to no avail. Yes, that is the entire fight.
Winner: Clarence Jordan via unanimous decision (30-27)
Amazing insight, huh? There is no f***ing way I could even try to do some kind of a play-by-play and actually write the back-and-forth on this one. Suffice it to say, Jordan’s wrestling was just plain better.
Bruce Johnson (13-35) vs. Alex Van Krevelen (3-1)
Actually Johnson is 10-41 as a pro and is currently on a 13-fight losing streak, all but the last one via submission. Most by choke and most in the 1st round.
Van Krevelen is 1-0 as a pro.
Round 1) Van Krevelen controls the fight almost all the way through. Johnson wants the takedown, misses and Van Krevelen controls the ground from then on. Almost entirely turtle position. Johnson stands twice to avoid the rear naked choke, but it only works once. Van Krevelen get’s his hooks and the choke is perfect. The fight is over.
Winner: Alex Van Krevelen via submission due to rear naked at 3:58 of the 1st Round
Kurtis Ehrhorn (4-3) vs. Bill Friday (10-2)
I’ll be curious for this one. The last time I saw Ehrhorn fight, he lost via DQ after his mouthguard fell out three times in just over a round. Let’s see if God’s Army is going to go the way of Custer’s Last Stand.
Friday is 2-1 as a pro with a strong submission game. However, I’m pretty sure that Ehrhorn is insane, so…
Round 1) Ehrhorn comes out trying to force the action early. Friday throws a head kick immediately, misses and Ehrhorn gets the takedown. Friday stays composed, looks to get his guard and Ehrhorn passes to cross side. Friday gets the turn over and starts to work his game. And it doesn’t take long…
Winner: Billy Friday via submission due to guillotine choke at 1:46 of the 1st round
Dustan Petron (2-2) vs. Frankie Johnson (9-6)
Petron hasn’t fought for nearly three years and Johnson hasn’t found in almost two years following a submission loss to Courtney Buck, who isn’t exactly known for his ground game. Johnson is a former Golden Gloves champ who, strangely enough, as had most of his fights end via submission.
Round 1) The edge has to initially go to Johnson for the striking and how long Petron has taken off from fighting. Early on it looks like Petron isn’t interested in trading punches, he is keeping his distance, working the outside of the cage. Johnson throws a few punches that miss and Petron gets the takedown. He works to half guard and to mount! But Johnson rolls it over and the two stand. Everyone knows where he wants the fight.
Oh! Johnson just misses with a HUGE uppercut and Petron gets the double leg again! He is in guard, but passes quickly to side control. He locks up the keylock grip and it’s over! Dustan Petron via Americana!
Winner: Dustan Petron via submission due to Americana at 2:48 of the 1stround
This was the perfect example of a fighter knowing what he had to do and doing it. Petron stayed composed and went to work. And this morning, he’s gotta know it with a big f***ing smile on his face.
An excellent fight and perfectly carded…I need more drinks, my buzz is wearing off.
More drinks was a baaaaaad idea at this point. I’m pretty sure this is where the people listening at home started to get the brunt of my drunken cursing and rambling.
Brad Kohler (11-15) vs. Shane DeZee (15-16)
Both men are looking for a much needed win. Dezee, a fan favorite, has only won two of his last nine fights and Kohler, known for his UFC Hits Volume 1 knockout highlight reel, hasn’t won since 2000, 10 fights ago. A skid that started with one of the most vicious soccer kick KO’s I have ever seen coming at the hands, or feet, of Babalu Sobral. Youtube it.
Round 1) Kohler’s hands are down early and looks for the shot. Dezee defends and Kohler transitions to a single leg attempt. Dezee digs for the guillotine, but can’t find Kohler’s neck. Dezee is staggered but a huge hook from the clinch! He hit the ground and Kohler pounces looking to pound out the win, but Dezee defends. Dezee pulls guard and works to control Kohler.
Dezee lands a couple of vicious elbows from bottom guard that land on the top of Kohler’s head. The ref stops the action and Kohler falls back. The ref takes away a point and starts the fight with Kohler in guard again, which is where the round ends.
Round 2) I was ordering a drink when the fight started, and Dezee fell, he claims a shot to the nuts. Kohler is pissed saying he was faking. Looks like both have questionable reactions this fight. Dezee stands and presses the action like he is pissed, but Kohler gets him on the ground and moves to mount. Dezee turns over, gives his back and Kohler ends it.
Winner: Brad Kohler via submission due to strikes 1:42 of the 2ndround
DeAngelo Curtis (3-6) vs. Taylor Hartman (5-1)
Don’t know, don’t care. Damn, broke the seal too early…
Round 1, 2, 3) Don’t care, you should have watched. Deal with it.
Winner: DeAngelo Curtis via unanimous decision (29-28) unanimous decision.
Let me build on that stunning play-by-play for those that didn’t hear me on the broadcast: it wasn’t a pretty fight, but these two were true gamers, but were aggressive, forcing the action, working for the finish. It was sad that someone had to lose. FIGHT OF THE NIGHT! By far.
Derek Smith (7-6) vs. Patrick Delgado (4-0)
Smith is looking to avenge the flash knockout he suffered just months ago against the guy whose first pro win came against his coach and teammate Roland Larson. Delgado and Smith are both aggressive fighters. Should be worth a watch.
Round 1) Delgado is a high-level grappler, but Smith keeps pressing the action.Smith seems to have no concern or regard for the grappling dangers present. For better or worse.
Round 2) Smith stays composed against the brown belt and attacks, attacks, attacks. Finally, he works to the takedown, gets the mount and…it’s over…
Winner: Derek Smith Via TKO at 1:14 of the 2nd Round
Jonathan Knutson (12-5) vs. Tony Martin (4-0)
Round 1, 2) Tony is winning.
Round 3) S***, I was talking about The Notebook then Verdum, now I have to pee and the fight is over.
Winner: Tony Martin via submission due to kimura at 2:10 of the 3rdround.
Oh, shot of tequila from a stranger is going to be brutal tomorrow…
Gotta reeeeeeally bad here. Admittedly, at this point it was going a little overboard. Even for me.
Yeah, I said it. You don’t have to f***ing celebrate it.
Amateur Welterweight Title
Heath Rud (8-3) vs. Melvin Cruz (2-0)
Names sound familiar, but I’m pretty drunk right now. If I can’t remember who you are immediately, it ain’t happenin’. Might be time for another round…
Round 1) Bored. Hard to call. Cruz probably has the advantage due to forcing the action.
Round 2, 3, 4, 5) Not going to call it. Both fighters are too tentative and seem concerned with the W more than the actual decisive win, Still, I give it to Rud.
Winner: Heath Rud via unanimous decision
No surprise, but both fighters need to get back to the gym and wonder, “what more could I could have done?”
This one was disappointing, too. This was for an ammy title, but the two were pawing it out like it was for a UFC belt. Way too cautious. Sad to see from two good fighters.
Matthew Larson (4-1) vs. Brad Scholten (12-10)
Larson is still a heavyweight prospect with the edge in wrestling and Scholten (12-14 as a pro according to mma.com) is quickly earning journeyman status with his willingness to fight anyone. Including legend in his own right, Travis Fulton…who only beat him via split decision last month.
Round 1) Larson forces the action, clearly trying to work his wrestling over his striking. He gets his takedown…you know what, sorry, but you need to watch this stuff…
Winner: Matthew Larson via TKO at 3:08 of the 1st Round
Watch the replay when it gets posted. Larson looked good. Still want to see his boxing skills develop, but it was a good performance after a hard loss to Murphy.
Damion Hill (10-1) vs. Dan Moret (16-0)
Should be fight of the night, or at least knockout of the night. Though it looks way cooler to list both ammy and pro fights together, Moret has only two pro fights, both via vicious and fast TKO finishes. Hill looks to work his jab and Moret his knees.
Round 1) Holy s***! This fight is fast! Hill is throwing flurries immediately trying to finish the fight! Moret weathers the storm and gets the bear hug take down! Immediately, Hill goes defensive and Moret transitions to the attack, he is looking for the RNC and gets it with little trouble. The fight is over.
Winner: Dan Moret via submission due to RNC at 1:00 of the 1stRound
I knew this fight was going to be fast, but Hill came out like he didn’t want it to last ten seconds. Moret kept perfect composure and took the fight where he needed it to go. Beautiful performance.
MN State Heavyweight Title
Brett Murphy (8-0) vs. Raphael Butler (4-0)
Both men are undefeated, Murphy has the advantage in the striking game and Butler has the advantage on the ground. Though, after Murphy’s performance against strong wrestler Matt Larson, getting him to the ground will be the real challenge.
Round 1) I gotta give my edge to Murphy on the stand-up given his overall record, but…OH MY F***ING G**!!!! The fights over!!! Butler just landed an overhand right that put Murphy face down like he just belly-flopped in the swimming pool! Murphy got up, eventually, but that was as decisive of a win as I have seen or expected. I truly didn’t see this ending that fast. Butler…what else can you say…wow…
That’s the end.
So, I swore too f***ing much?! Is that the unofficial consensus?
Grow a pair of f***ing balls and deal with it. What do you think you are watching? MMA, BJJ, or f***ing powderpuff football?
And do you people realize to what level I am drinking at and still able to make a semi-coherent argument/statement?
I’m going to wake up in a pile of my own wretch tomorrow for your entertainment.
So shut the f*** up.
Good night. Sweet dreams.
Maybe I did swear to f***ing much. Maybe. The tequila probably wasn’t the best way to go, but f*** it. Maybe I will try announcing again some day, and do it a little more professionally.
Maybe…but probably not.