Feeling a little lazy/creative…that doesn’t make any sense…f*** it, I’m going anyway…
Let me have your attention for a moment. ‘Cause you’re talkin’ about what…you’re talkin’ ’bout…b***in’ about that fight you lost, some son of a b**** didn’t want to “stand and bang”, somebody don’t want to fight your game, some ring girl you’re tryin’ to screw, so forth?
Let’s talk about something important. Put walkout shirt down! Walkout shirts are for fighters only. You think I’m f***in’ with you? I am not f***in’ with you. I’m here from the bitch time. I’m here from Choking Minnesota. And I’m here on a mission of mercy.
You call yourself a fighter, you son of a b****.
Good news is you’re not booked ever again. The bad news is you got all you got, just one fight to regain your job, starting with tonight, starting with tonight’s fights. Oh, have I got your attention now?
Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s event. As you all know, first prize is a some f***ing self respect. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is you’re fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got instructors. Hopefully, you paid good money for them. Use their lessons to win. You can’t win the fights you’re given, you can’t win s***, you are s***, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out.
The f***in’ fights are mismatched? You’re weak. I’ve been in this business 12 years …
F*** you, that’s my name. You know why mister? Cause you couldn’t finish an armbar with a gun to your head, I’d tap you in under 60 seconds. That’s my name. And your name is you’re wanting. You can’t play in the man’s game, you can’t beat them? Then go home and tell your baby-momma your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to tap the mat. You hear me you f***in’ p***ies?
ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Choking. Always be choking. Always be choking. AIDA. Aggressive. Impose. Destroy. Attack. Aggressive. Are you aggressive? Impose. Can you impose your will? I know can ’cause it’s f*** or walk. You finish or you hit the bricks. Destroy. Can you fight like you f***ing want to win? And attack. AIDA.
Get out there. You got the fans coming in, you think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don’t walk into the fights lest he wants to see some action. They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it?
I made 970,000 sarcastic comments on facebook and MMA forums last year about guys like you. How many can you say don’t apply to you? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a s***. Good father. F*** you, go home and play with your kids. You want to fight here, finish.
You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you c***-sucker. You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get in the cage? If you don’t like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the opponents you got, and finish a guy a hundred different ways. Tonight. Can you? Can you?
Go and do likewise. AIDA. Get mad you son-of-a-b****. Get mad. You know what it takes to fight in a cage? It takes brass balls to be a real fighter. Go and do likewise, gents. The money’s out there, you pick it up, it’s yours, you don’t, I got no sympathy for you.
You want to go to your fight tonight and finish, finish, it’s yours, if not, you’re going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you’ll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ”Oh yeah, I used to be a fighter. It’s a tough racket.”
Taken almost exclusively from one of the greatest ensemble casts of all time. Click the link below to understand. Enlightenment awaits…
I love that movie. Amazing how well the speech translates to MMA.
On to the fights:
Jay Paulson (2-2) vs. Brandon Gardner (3-1)
Round 1) Gardner takes all of five seconds to take the fight to the ground. He immediately transitions to mount. And that’s about all you need to know. He pounds out the win.
Winner: Brandon Gardner at 1:48 of the 1st round via…arm triangle? Did I blink? Jesus, evidently this guy could even teach Red Schaffer a thing or two about arm triangles. I didn’t even see it happen
F***, the one and only Amy Krog just walked by…damn, that girl knows how to wear a little black dress…I think I need to go to rehab…
Amanda Rose (0-0) vs. Brooke Tibbets (0-0)
Round 1) The two lock up early, but break soon and start to paw and chase each other around the ring. Rose misses a hip toss and Tibbets lands in top mount. Rose is able to reverse it to top open guard and starts to rain in a few shots. Rose stands and allows Tibbets to as well. The round ends with the two on their feet trading pawing shots.
Round 2) Tibbets gets the bear hug takedown, but Rose is able to turn her hips and land in top open guard. Again, for some reason, Rose allows the action to stand. Rose gets the headlock takedown into guard again and Tibbets just works to survive.
Round 3) Rose comes out throwing punches like the fight depends on it, but Tibbets survives. Rose gets the fight to the ground and once again. Rose stands and Tibbets looks absolutely defeated, not getting all the way to her feet. Rose jumps back in and continues to strike. Tibbets has a mouse under her eye that is closer to gopher-sized. The fight ends with Rose working to take Tibbets back,
Winner: Brooke Tibbets via unanimous decision (30-27 across the board)
Brock Peters (2-2) vs. Sam Nelson (0-1)
Round 1) Peters puts his head down and goes for the takedown, and gets it. He lands some heavy bombs from top guard like he’s never heard of that “passing the guard” thing. Peters finally backs up and allows Nelson to stand. It’s a mistake. Nelson is clearly the superior striker and works a beautiful jab along with hooks to the ribs. Nelson is attacking ribs like a fat guy at Chili’s All-U-Can-Eat Night. Peters is saved by the bell.
Round 2) Peters comes out with two overhand rights before moving in for the takedown. Nelson counters by jumping an arm-in guillotine. It must be deep enough, because Peters taps.
Winner: Sam Nelson at :44 of the 2nd Round via arm-in guillotine
Roland Leonard (2-0) vs. Josh Wiseman (2-1)
Round 1) Wiseman is the aggressor working uppercuts. Then he works an arm-around slam that the WWE’s The Undertaker would be proud of. Leonard works back to open guard then back to his feet. Again, Wiseman lands the takedown, this time a huge suplex. Leonard is up again, but Wiseman gets another takedown. I’m starting to notice a pattern here.
Round 2) Wiseman gets another takedown and moves to scarf hold, but Leonard sneaks out the backdoor and gets both hooks. He isn’t able to maintain the back and Wiseman stands. Leonard lands a couple of very nice shots, but Wiseman clinches and gets the takedown. Again.
Round 3) Leonard gets a nice outside leg trip, but Wiseman transitions to top with a guillotine hold…sorry, I’m not going to finish writing this. You all see where this is going.
Winner: Josh Wiseman via unanimous decision (20-27, 30-27, 29-28)
Elliot Laughlin (1-0) vs. Aaron Shaw (1-2)
Round 1) I’m sitting next to Laughlin’s mom, so I feel the need to be nice. Let’s see how long that lasts.
The two men are working their range with leg kicks. Laughlin forces the action against the cage with a headlock and underhook control. Shaw is able to reverse the exact position, but the two break apart. Laughlin catches a kick, but lets it go. Laughlin finishes a round with a bullying takedown with seconds remaining.
Round 2) Laughlin is the aggressor as the round starts, but Shaw gets a tight arm-in guillotine off the fence and for a moment it looks like Laughlin is going to tap, but he endures. Laughlin looks a little glassy eyed, but still moves forward. HOLY F***! Laughlin lands a vicious left hook and Shaw goes to sleep like it is past his bedtime!
Winner: Elliot Laughlin at 1:53 of the 2nd Round via KO
Jack Shreffler (0-0) vs. Randal Rasmussen (1-2)
Round 1) Rasmussen grabs for a guillotine and Shreffler gets the outside leg trip. Rasmussen is able to turn the action over and stand up into open guard. Rasmussen eats an upkick and goes back into open guard. Shreffler goes up for a possible kimura sweep and falls back beautifully with the baited keylock. He turns and sinks in the kimura. Rasmussen taps out.
Winner: Jack Shreffler at 1:17 of the 1st round via kimura
Bill Finn (1-3) vs. Codie Kahler (2-0)
Round 1) Sporting the Ed Grimely spike…
…shaved remainder of head, sideburns and a pitchfork looking goatee, Finn wins the beauty contest to start the fight. Finn gets an outside leg kick and Kahler bulls forward for a takedown. Finn digs for a guillotine and has it deep. Kahler gets a leg tip and lands in cross side. Kahler spins for an armbar and misses.
The two stands and Finn digs for another guillotine, but the two eventually separate. Kahler lands a vicious hook that staggers Finn. Kahler pounces for his own guillotine and drags it to mount. Finn is forced to tap.
Winner: Codie Kahler at 3:04 of the 1st round via guillotine
Ben Miller (8-10) vs. Ben Neumann (4-2)
Round 1) The two trade strikes and Neumann shoots for the takedown, ending up in open guard. He works to cross side and goes for an inverted triangle. He locks up the triangle, but it isn’t tight enough. Neumann softens up Miller with backhands to the face and punches to the gut before attack Miller’s free arm with a straight armbar. It’s over.
A huge win for Neumann, who gets back on his winning ways.
Winner: Ben Neumann at 2:27 of the 1st Round via straight armbar.
Rachelle Bacon (0-0) vs. Jessica Bulver (1-0)
Round 1) Bulver gets a few last moment slaps to the face of encouragement from corner Kelly Kobold before going to work. She attacks Bacon like she just realized she left the oven on and needs to get home. This fight is over. Bacon is cooked…sigh…sorry, you knew I was going to be stupid sooner or later.
Winner: Jessica Bulver at :50 fot the 1st Round via TKO
Matt Veal (9-4) vs. Morgan Sickinger (12-6)
Round 1) Well, Veal walked out to the same music as The Heartbreak Kid Sean Michaels, so I’ve got his back on this one…
Jesus, I don’t even know how to write this up. Both men are landing shots, but it isn’t really pretty and it isn’t really with any break in action, it’s just two dudes fighting…there it is, Veal jumps guard for an arm-in guillotine. Sickinger raises his hand like he is thinking about tapping and waits…waits…waits…there it is. It’s over.
Winner: Matt Veal at 2:23 of the 1st Round via arm-in guillotine.
Well, the fights got started an hour late, but I gotta say, I love the enthusiasm of the fighters to get their bouts over with. I’m going to take credit for it all. I’m really good at pep talks. I’m totally a people person.