Sometimes, at night, when I’m not trying to think of something to write that will be wildly misinterpreted, I like to read. I got about halfway through Curious George and the Suprise Party when I realized I just couldn’t handle the mounting tension anymore so I moved to something a little lighter: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail. Having little to no interest in politics, but having enjoyed Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Rum Diaries and The Hell’s Angels, I figured I’d give myself a rare glimpse into the world of mud slinging through the eyes of gonzo journalism. As suspected, most of the s*** went straight over my head. Either it was a societal disconnect or it takes a reader with greater information and sensibilities than I to interpret. Either way, it was a pretty slow read. And he uses the N-word, which made me feel uncomfortable in my suburban, lower-middle class home. Though one passage in particular caught my eye. It was a passage that spoke to me as a hack writer–one who has been chastised as often as praised: “So much for Objective Journalism. Don’t bother to look for it here–not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.”
~ Hunter S. Thompson
This inspired me, but not in the way you might think. While I never refer to myself as a journalist and I do–believe it or not–believe that I am objective when it comes to MMA fights. My views and comments have nothing to do with a fighter as a person. Who you are outside the cage doesn’t matter to me.
You win or you lose. That’s your job.
It’s cold and callous…and objective.
So, instead of writing round play-by-plays, I am literally going to phone this one in. No write ups, just results via text…with possible witticisms because since there are like seven bars Iin this place, thus be drunk as a monkey.
I mean, come on, if you can’t throw a f***ing jab, how am I supposed to not call you out on it? With or without a bloody mary, two screwdrivers and four tallboys…
Dion Kriz (0-1) vs. Charlie Anozie (2-1)
Results: Charlie anozie via TKO at 2:40 of the 1st round.
Dale Walters (0-12) vs. Ed Albrecht (1-1)
Results: Ed Albrecht via submission due to rear naked choke at :29 of the 2nd round
You know honey badger, there are Gyms in and around the eagan area that teach boxing and grappling…
Khaled Afara (0-0) vs. Marc Gomez (0-1)
Results: marc gomez via TKO at 2:29 of the 1st round…after 40 or so unanswered punches from mount
Marc gomez has both the most lively crew and the most emotional post-fight reaction this side of nate quarry. damn.
Drew Breckling (0-0) vs. Michael Jokondo (1-0)
Results: Michael Jokondo via submission due to triangle choke at :57 of the 3rd round.
*sigh* It’s just not the same when she isn’t really here.
Ash Majek (5-2) vs. Nick Palmer (3-4)
Results: Ash Majek via unanimous decision (29-28, 29-28, 30-27)
Not gonna lie,all the smarta** comments i had loaded up involved “watch out for that left hand”/KO jokes…so…damn…
Lightweight Title Fight
Alex Wiggs Jr. (4-0) vs. Cameron Gilliam (8-1)
Results: Cameron Gilliam via submission due to triangle choke at :50 of the 2nd round.
Ben Neumann (6-3) vs. Jeremy Castro (11-13)
Results: Ben Neumann via submission due to rear naked choke at 2:00 of the 1st round.
So, i kind told Ben’s cornerman Garret’s i wouldnt comment on his voice cracking, but…I’m a liar. Oh, and Ben did a move worth YouTubing.
Rick Jackson (4-2) vs. Mike Zimmer (3-2-1)
Results: Mike Zimmer via submission due to rear naked choke at 3:58 of the 1st round.
INTERMISSION…i want a taco…
Starr Roberts (4-19) vs. Roland Larson (1-6)
Results: Roland Larson via submission due to heelhook at 2:45 of the 1st round.
So, I hear there’s this thing in Thailand called a “tiger show”…I wanna train in thailand…
Featherweight Title Fight
Jordan Neer (5-0) vs. Nick Compton (9-3)
Results: Nick Compton via submission due to armbar at 2:51 of the 1st round.
Serious tough points to Compton for getting spiked twice going for the first armbar and staying calm enough to lock up the second. damn.
Welterweight Title Fight
Nate Howe (7-2) vs. Ben Smith (9-2)
Results: ben smith via unanimous decision 49-46, 48-47, 48-47
And the “getting blood on me” streak continues…
By the way, best f***ing fight ive seen in a loooong time.
Satisfied? I don’t give a s***.